I went out to a local sports bar with a friend of mine on Sunday evening. He only had a few days left until he left Alaska and went home to Arkansas. I was excited to help him celebrate his last days in The Last Frontier so I got all dressed up and went down to the bar. Initially, I did not see him as I walked through the door so I made my way to the end of the bar and prepared to text him. Something told me to look up and lo, and behold, there he was but he was not sitting by himself. There was a man and a woman sitting at the table with him who I did not recognize. I was introduced to them, Frank and Julie. Frank was short of stature, donned what looked to be like a tam-o-chanter cap, had a diastema between his two upper front teeth, and sported John Lennon look-alike spectacles. Julie was curvy, wore glasses and had some kind of Alaska native heritage. She was from Seward and was living in the local Women's Shelter due to being a victim of domestic violence. I asked her how long she'd been there? Since last June! I asked her where she worked? She is disabled and has a two year contract with the Women's Shelter for housing! Hmmmmm. Disabled, victim of D.V., unemployed yet could afford to buy drinks at the bar?
Anyway, the three of them had already started on their drinks as I ordered my Tangueray and Tonic. Conversations were started or commenced as we all sat back and enjoyed the evening. My friend has some great stories to tell since he's lead an interesting life and he proceeded to relate one. It eventually lead to the subject of tattoos; which he had several of. The other gentleman proceeded to show me one of his tattoos as well. I just happened to inform them both that I was searching for pictures of tattoos and the stories behind them for a picture book I wanted to publish. This spurred my friend to promptly stand up and run outside. While he was gone, the other gentleman asked me what I did for a living. I told him that I managed a local dental office. He then asked me what my yearly earnings were. I told him such and such amount of money. He then stated that I could make $3,000/night working for him. Being curious, I asked him what I'd be doing as his employee? He sat up straight on the barstool, looked me directly in the eye and stated, "I'm a pimp!" Now, I am not a very good liar and my reactions are prompt and pure so when I heard that, I am sure the look on my face was priceless! I graciously declined his "generous" offer and said that I did not need that kind of money nor was I interested in that type of work! He proceeded to reach into his jacket and extract his wallet. He handed me two polaroids showing young naked girls! I glanced at them, handed them back, and stated that they were young and obviously uneducated and maybe this profession worked for them. Being the smart-ass that I am, I tossed out the comment, "Even if that were the case, no man around here could afford me! Besides, I am too old to be a call girl!" He asked me just how old I was. "47!" "Well, this IS Kenai, after all!" I was flabbergasted at his nerve! My friend sat down right in the middle of the last exchange and had a puzzled look on his face as if to say, "What did I miss?" I turned toward him and stated in a clear, distinct, and loud voice, "I DO have high standards!" We all had another round of drinks. My friend and I were perusing pics on his cell and discussing them. I got to see his new lover, his kids, ex-wives, his sportscar and his condo in New York City. I heard about his cancer treatments, his career as a green beret, how he lost the feeling in both his hands and his crazy, gypsy soul. Time flew and soon it was time to leave. My friend went up to the bar to pay his tab. In his short absence, "pimpdaddy" had the balls to ask me for my phone number! "NOOOOOO!" "Well, can I give you mine?" "NOOOOOOOO!" "I just wanna talk to you later tonight!" I gave him "the look" then once again said "NOOOOOOOO! FUCK OFF!" My friend was oblivious to this since his back was to us and when he approached me for a good-bye hug, he felt something and gave me "the look" then asked if I needed a ride home; if I was okay to drive? Since I only live a few blocks away, I told him I would be fine. They both left and I waited a few minutes before I followed. Once home, I received a text from my buddy asking if I'd made it home safely. In my return text, I stated that I would have taken him up on his offer to drive me home but "Captain Pimp" hitching a ride with him! I certainly did not want HIM knowing where I lived! I also told my friend that he was a pasty little weasel and needed to slide back into the slimy hole he crawled out of. I had visions of homicide floating around in my slightly drunken mind so it is a good thing I came home and went to bed!
I keep telling myself that I should not be allowed out of my dungeon and that when I do choose to mingle with my fellow human beings, weird shit happens and I seem to attract that kind of element!
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Bedroom Roulette
I've lived in Alaska for 20 years now and have noticed a strange social norm. I was oblivious to it prior to my divorce but since then it has been clear as glass. There is a popular saying up here; "You don't get married, you just wait your turn." I could never quite grasp the meaning of this until this summer.
Since I have been up here for quite some time now, and since I interact with the public often, I just happen to know alot of local people and their personal circumstances. I've heard stories of couples who are friends divorcing and marrying each other's ex-spouses and thought that was ridiculous! It sounded so far removed from reality that I would dismiss these stories as fiction with a skepical shake of my head.
It became a reality when a two couples that I am familiar with decided to play bedroom roulette this Spring.
Both couples had divorced and one man hooked up with the other's ex-wife while the other man hooked up with an old girlfriend of the first man! It can get very confusing if you cannot follow the sequence of events. It seems that alot of people in Alaska are "serial monogamists" just waiting for the next partner to fall into their circle of love/relationship addiction.
I certainly do not see the logic in this whatsoever! I am confused and befuddled to say the least. I guess the men in Alaska have come to expect this societal norm and seem okay with the status quo? Maybe they see women as so scarce that they will settle for whomever they can get for any length of time and be satisfied with that? Makes me wonder if I should follow suit with my seasoned sisters and enter the game of bedroom roulette. Sure beats being alone and lonely! My dilemma: Do I join so I can be with someone or do I stay in my ivory tower and watch from above; longing for what they have temporarily?
Since I have been up here for quite some time now, and since I interact with the public often, I just happen to know alot of local people and their personal circumstances. I've heard stories of couples who are friends divorcing and marrying each other's ex-spouses and thought that was ridiculous! It sounded so far removed from reality that I would dismiss these stories as fiction with a skepical shake of my head.
It became a reality when a two couples that I am familiar with decided to play bedroom roulette this Spring.
Both couples had divorced and one man hooked up with the other's ex-wife while the other man hooked up with an old girlfriend of the first man! It can get very confusing if you cannot follow the sequence of events. It seems that alot of people in Alaska are "serial monogamists" just waiting for the next partner to fall into their circle of love/relationship addiction.
I certainly do not see the logic in this whatsoever! I am confused and befuddled to say the least. I guess the men in Alaska have come to expect this societal norm and seem okay with the status quo? Maybe they see women as so scarce that they will settle for whomever they can get for any length of time and be satisfied with that? Makes me wonder if I should follow suit with my seasoned sisters and enter the game of bedroom roulette. Sure beats being alone and lonely! My dilemma: Do I join so I can be with someone or do I stay in my ivory tower and watch from above; longing for what they have temporarily?
Only in Alaska during Summer
I work in a dental office in downtown Kenai, Alaska. That may not sound like much but it can get lively here during the summer months.
Within the past few weeks we've had a series of events that both shock and surprise our staff and believe me, it takes alot to make us really run to the window and take a gander! We are all Alaskan women and have seen it all, dealt with it all, and certainly have gotten a little jaded as a result.
One afternoon, a patient walked into our clinic and stated that there was a woman lying in the street just down the block from us. Immediately, all the assistants rushed to the back window to verify the truth of the matter. I was sitting at my desk ignoring the situation (see the above reference for Alaskan women). My coworkers were excitedly announcing the blow-by-blow action. I could tell the situation had escalated rapidly when one of my coworkers yelled, "Call 911 NOW!" Of course, I was on the phone before she finished "911." I was speaking with the dispatcher and repeating what was being observed. Before I ended my call with the dispatcher, there were four patrol cars on the scene. Apparently, the parties involved were trying to reconcile when the officers decided to take her to jail for domestic violence.
According to my coworkers, she was using the man as if he were the heavy bag in the boxing gym! He just stood there and took the fist pounding she was meting out! She drove her point home with a final kick between his legs. Low blow but very effective!
As she was being helped into the squad car, she adjusted her neon pink baseball cap and stepped very lady-like into the back seat. The man was instructed to leave but seemed reluctant to do so. His ladylove was being hauled away to the clink and he wanted to go along. Separation anxiety, love/hate thing, absence makes the heart grow fonder seemed to be the theme and it came into play as quickly as the breeze. Alcohol definitely was a factor!
Later in the same week, one of my coworkers came into work for her shift and announced that there was a half-naked man wandering down the street! She said he was wearing a bright green sweatshirt and no pants! Of course, all the ladies zoomed to get a glimpse from the security of the back window. Needless to say, the so-called half-naked and certainly half-baked individual had disappeared into the treeline or at least into the apartments across the street. That defines an Alaskan Streaker!
Later that afternoon, our streaker was seen pushing his bicycle from the apartments across the street, sporting trousers and what appeared to be shoes? Upon further inspection, the "shoes" were actually mittens! We all watched incredulously as he gingerly pedalled away, fully clothed and shod, down the street and out of our neck of the woods!
Last, but not least, we got the scare of our lives here at the clinic. It was a hot day; almost 70 degrees outside so we had all the doors and windows open to ventilate and cool the building. The fresh air was welcome and the gentle cross breeze was refreshing. It made it okay to be inside working and gave a glimpse of how wonderful the day was.
I was sitting at my desk working peacefully when there was what sounded like a round of rapid gunfire coming from behind the building! I ducked behind my desk and one of my doctors had rushed up the stairs and closed the back door. I saw smoke wafting on the breeze from behind the door. When I felt it was safe to look, I opened the backdoor and cautiously peered outside.
Apparently, someone beyond the fence had accidentally or purposefully lit off a set of firecrackers within the city limits! Highly illegal and it really sounded like a machine gun! Everyone was curious but I explained the incident and we got to go on with the day with peace of mind.
Only in small town Alaska!
Within the past few weeks we've had a series of events that both shock and surprise our staff and believe me, it takes alot to make us really run to the window and take a gander! We are all Alaskan women and have seen it all, dealt with it all, and certainly have gotten a little jaded as a result.
One afternoon, a patient walked into our clinic and stated that there was a woman lying in the street just down the block from us. Immediately, all the assistants rushed to the back window to verify the truth of the matter. I was sitting at my desk ignoring the situation (see the above reference for Alaskan women). My coworkers were excitedly announcing the blow-by-blow action. I could tell the situation had escalated rapidly when one of my coworkers yelled, "Call 911 NOW!" Of course, I was on the phone before she finished "911." I was speaking with the dispatcher and repeating what was being observed. Before I ended my call with the dispatcher, there were four patrol cars on the scene. Apparently, the parties involved were trying to reconcile when the officers decided to take her to jail for domestic violence.
According to my coworkers, she was using the man as if he were the heavy bag in the boxing gym! He just stood there and took the fist pounding she was meting out! She drove her point home with a final kick between his legs. Low blow but very effective!
As she was being helped into the squad car, she adjusted her neon pink baseball cap and stepped very lady-like into the back seat. The man was instructed to leave but seemed reluctant to do so. His ladylove was being hauled away to the clink and he wanted to go along. Separation anxiety, love/hate thing, absence makes the heart grow fonder seemed to be the theme and it came into play as quickly as the breeze. Alcohol definitely was a factor!
Later in the same week, one of my coworkers came into work for her shift and announced that there was a half-naked man wandering down the street! She said he was wearing a bright green sweatshirt and no pants! Of course, all the ladies zoomed to get a glimpse from the security of the back window. Needless to say, the so-called half-naked and certainly half-baked individual had disappeared into the treeline or at least into the apartments across the street. That defines an Alaskan Streaker!
Later that afternoon, our streaker was seen pushing his bicycle from the apartments across the street, sporting trousers and what appeared to be shoes? Upon further inspection, the "shoes" were actually mittens! We all watched incredulously as he gingerly pedalled away, fully clothed and shod, down the street and out of our neck of the woods!
Last, but not least, we got the scare of our lives here at the clinic. It was a hot day; almost 70 degrees outside so we had all the doors and windows open to ventilate and cool the building. The fresh air was welcome and the gentle cross breeze was refreshing. It made it okay to be inside working and gave a glimpse of how wonderful the day was.
I was sitting at my desk working peacefully when there was what sounded like a round of rapid gunfire coming from behind the building! I ducked behind my desk and one of my doctors had rushed up the stairs and closed the back door. I saw smoke wafting on the breeze from behind the door. When I felt it was safe to look, I opened the backdoor and cautiously peered outside.
Apparently, someone beyond the fence had accidentally or purposefully lit off a set of firecrackers within the city limits! Highly illegal and it really sounded like a machine gun! Everyone was curious but I explained the incident and we got to go on with the day with peace of mind.
Only in small town Alaska!
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Why I love my coworkers
I manage a dental office where I live. I get to work with the most wonderful ladies. One in particular has opened my eyes to what unconditional love really means. I've always teased her about being a baby magnet because she sniffs them out if they get within range. Patients will bring in their newborns and within minutes, there Mel is, cooing and touching the infant. All babies respond to her. She is the ultimate nanny/mommy. She's really bested herself with this last random act of kindness.
We all know a young mother who just gave birth to a darling little boy about four months ago. Seems she ran into some trouble with her room mate, who took out a restraining order on her, kicked her and her newborn out of the apartment, and accused her of domestic violence. Now, we all do not know this girl well enough to hypothesize about the accusations but she and her infant are now homeless, living in their car. A few weeks went by and this young mother paid us a visit. She had gotten a new girlfriend and they were both homeless with five children between the two of them. She had mentioned how well her son sleeps at night since he slept right through a fight and a window getting broken! I was shocked but not too surprised at hearing this. Babies have no choice on who they are born to and some women are better mothers than others. Sadly to say, the children are the innocent victims. Clearly, this young girl was not prepared to be a mother. She tangled with a man, got pregnant, decided to have the baby and raise it by herself. Very brave but very naive of her. Obviously, reality did not set in until the State of Alaska is now actively in process of removing her infant from her custody.
This young girl, approached my coworker last week requesting that she temporarily physically take the baby. She did not want to lose her son and was reaching out for help. I believe she has been doing so since she gave birth; knowing that maybe she made a mistake by keeping the baby. Any mother can tell that this young woman loves her son. My coworker gladly offered to help this young woman and agreed to take care of the infant temporarily. One of my male coworkers warned Mel that she was making a mistake by doing so. I believe that things done with good intentions and a warm heart are never wrong. This is admirable and noble of Mel to offer this. Sure, she may run the risk of getting too attached to this child, of giving love and attention to this child, of taking care of this child's needs but this is true, unconditional love. This is a helpless child and she is giving him succor and comfort that his biological mother cannot give right now. She knows full well that his mother could do scandalous and unscrupulous things regarding the situation but her heart is pure and her concern is for the well-being of this little boy.
This is why I love my coworkers. We are all in the healthcare field and we are nurturers. We are the ones who make people feel better through tender, loving care. We are all on the spectrum to various degrees. Even as bristly and stern as I am, I still have a huge capacity for compassion when it comes to human suffering. Unconditional love. I recommend it to everyone. Perform random acts of kindness. It is truly rewarding and soothes the soul.
We all know a young mother who just gave birth to a darling little boy about four months ago. Seems she ran into some trouble with her room mate, who took out a restraining order on her, kicked her and her newborn out of the apartment, and accused her of domestic violence. Now, we all do not know this girl well enough to hypothesize about the accusations but she and her infant are now homeless, living in their car. A few weeks went by and this young mother paid us a visit. She had gotten a new girlfriend and they were both homeless with five children between the two of them. She had mentioned how well her son sleeps at night since he slept right through a fight and a window getting broken! I was shocked but not too surprised at hearing this. Babies have no choice on who they are born to and some women are better mothers than others. Sadly to say, the children are the innocent victims. Clearly, this young girl was not prepared to be a mother. She tangled with a man, got pregnant, decided to have the baby and raise it by herself. Very brave but very naive of her. Obviously, reality did not set in until the State of Alaska is now actively in process of removing her infant from her custody.
This young girl, approached my coworker last week requesting that she temporarily physically take the baby. She did not want to lose her son and was reaching out for help. I believe she has been doing so since she gave birth; knowing that maybe she made a mistake by keeping the baby. Any mother can tell that this young woman loves her son. My coworker gladly offered to help this young woman and agreed to take care of the infant temporarily. One of my male coworkers warned Mel that she was making a mistake by doing so. I believe that things done with good intentions and a warm heart are never wrong. This is admirable and noble of Mel to offer this. Sure, she may run the risk of getting too attached to this child, of giving love and attention to this child, of taking care of this child's needs but this is true, unconditional love. This is a helpless child and she is giving him succor and comfort that his biological mother cannot give right now. She knows full well that his mother could do scandalous and unscrupulous things regarding the situation but her heart is pure and her concern is for the well-being of this little boy.
This is why I love my coworkers. We are all in the healthcare field and we are nurturers. We are the ones who make people feel better through tender, loving care. We are all on the spectrum to various degrees. Even as bristly and stern as I am, I still have a huge capacity for compassion when it comes to human suffering. Unconditional love. I recommend it to everyone. Perform random acts of kindness. It is truly rewarding and soothes the soul.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
The Exchange
Was driving home last night after work and came across this strange sight. A young man was riding a Honda 70 motorcycle and it was obviously too small for him. Only one young man in particular came to mind and as I passed him, I found my hunch was correct. It was my 17 year-old autistic son, Nick. I waved, pulled over, and waited for him to turn around. As he neared my car, I asked him where he was going? He gave me a quizzical look and seriously said, "I don't know." I then asked, "Where have you been?" Again, he responded with, "I don't know." Then he informed me that his RC car parts had not arrived and I assured him I'd check the shipping status tomorrow. He then told me to leave and allowed me to go first. He followed me until I got up to speed. I thoroughly enjoyed the exchange between us. Quite an accomplishment for him!
Just thought I'd share the highlight of my week with you. Gina
Sunday Driver!
Sunday Drivers!
by Gina Ruth Swenson on Tuesday, May 24, 2011 at 5:56pm
Was driving down the road on Sunday with my two youngest sons, when the car in front of us decided to turn their left turn signal on. However, they ended up turning right instead. I turned to Nick and said, "That person has Driver's Dyslexsia!" We joked around the rest of the afternoon! "Let's signal right and turn left", or "Let's signal left, right, then go straight!" It was hilarious since Nick was coming up with all the alternatives! He's got a great sense of humor!
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Female Superiority
I find it entertaining to surround myself with men who adore me and want to be around me. I rarely lack for male companionship and I doubt I ever will. Call it a gift. Some people would say I'm shameless but I call it being a mastermind of men.
I always thought men were the predators and women were the prey but now that I've actually dwelt on it, it seems to me that it is just the opposite.
Here's the scenario: a woman walks into a bar, she sits down and orders a drink and makes eye contact with every man she can. Before she knows it, she gets offers to buy her drinks. If she went to the bar just to drink, she's set for the evening. If she went there to find a one-night lover, she's well on her way to reaching her goal. Face it, women can get what they want when they want it. The problem lies in deciding what it is that we want at the time.
So, let's say that this woman wants to just get drunk and then go home in a taxi. Her drinks keep coming and all she has to do is smile and make trite conversation with the poor sucker who thinks he's gonna take her home. When she's had her fill, she makes some kind of half legitimate excuse that she has to work early tomorrow or has company coming from out of town, or whatever, and when Mr. Hopeful offers to drive her home, she says she's already called the taxi and thanks for offering. If the situation were reversed, the man would be left with a bulging hard-on to contend with and will be nursing a three day hangover. The odd thing is; men will never catch on! It's been working for centuries and they still have no clue and women will continue to be a mystery to them. Go figure!
I always thought men were the predators and women were the prey but now that I've actually dwelt on it, it seems to me that it is just the opposite.
Here's the scenario: a woman walks into a bar, she sits down and orders a drink and makes eye contact with every man she can. Before she knows it, she gets offers to buy her drinks. If she went to the bar just to drink, she's set for the evening. If she went there to find a one-night lover, she's well on her way to reaching her goal. Face it, women can get what they want when they want it. The problem lies in deciding what it is that we want at the time.
So, let's say that this woman wants to just get drunk and then go home in a taxi. Her drinks keep coming and all she has to do is smile and make trite conversation with the poor sucker who thinks he's gonna take her home. When she's had her fill, she makes some kind of half legitimate excuse that she has to work early tomorrow or has company coming from out of town, or whatever, and when Mr. Hopeful offers to drive her home, she says she's already called the taxi and thanks for offering. If the situation were reversed, the man would be left with a bulging hard-on to contend with and will be nursing a three day hangover. The odd thing is; men will never catch on! It's been working for centuries and they still have no clue and women will continue to be a mystery to them. Go figure!
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Sexual Limbo
I am in my late forties and supposedly in my sexual prime. All the myths are debunked since my libido is off the charts yet here I sit, night after night, alone with my frustrations. Toys can only take me so far and I want a dance partner. Why? All the men my age are only interested in chasing after women who are young enough to be either their nieces or daughters! Where does that leave me? In cougar-ville or in my case, puma-ville. Puma being the term for women who are approaching 50, in other words, an old cougar. The young men I've interviewed for the possible position of part-time boytoy have informed me that they cannot tolerate women their own age. Always needy and don't know their way around in bed and what's up with all that drama? Interesting indeed! It must be the natural order of things if my observations are correct. I somehow have a difficult time wrapping my brain around bedding a 24 year old Adonis since he would be the same age as my oldest son but I am stuck in this sexual limbo, wanting to be set free to finally explore my sexuality. I know there are probably willing students out there in the younger social group but I prefer a man who has some experience and knows his way around my body with minimal instructions. Granted, some younger men vow that they are the equivalent to Don Juan, but that is just false advertising! They try much too hard due to lack of confidence, and think that the porn they watched the night before is what is expected, as if that even remotely resembles actual sex? So, I am suspended in limbo until some man stumbles across me, removes the shrink wrap from my naked body, and actually releases "The Beast Within."
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Haters
I totally get the fact that Americans are overweight and some morbidly obese but those who are, do not need to be constantly reminded of it everyday. Hey! Fat people KNOW they are fat! They see it in the mirror everyday if they dare look. They do not need to be publically shamed! Whatever happened to compassion towards your fellow human beings? Just try walking in their shoes for a change. Yeah, some have eating disorders or a medical condition but think of those people and ask yourself, "Why?' Why are they using food as a crutch for comfort? Why do they feel a compulsion to eat constantly? Why are they in such emotional pain that this is the only way to deal with the pain? Instead of ostracizing them, embrace them, befriend them, and try to help and understand! We are, after all, humans first and foremost and we should edify each other; celebrate being alive and embrace fellowship! Quit being hurtful towards our own species! For all of those who have never had to struggle with a weight problem, quit being judgmental and hyper-critical! Quit being phobic around overweight people. Change your attitude. What about those individuals who are rail thin and complain about not being able to gain weight? What about those who starve themselves or vomit because they are afraid of what others will think of them? If Christianity is the majority of religion on the face of the planet, then there should be tons of compassion and less hatefulness in the world! Live what you believe for a change!
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