Numbness

I hate the feeling that I'm being played.  I also despise being lied to especially by someone who claims to love me.  It's that subversive vibe like when you walk into a room and you can just sense that you were the topic of discussion. I find myself disappointed more times than I care to.  I feel isolated from my fellow human beings in this! 
I am probably better off living a life of hermitage than to find myself living amongst the general population. 
It seems that no matter where I am or who I am with or what my circumstances are; life will continue to be lack luster.  I feel that something is always eluding me; something I search for in vain.  I am constantly left feeling that I am missing something.  I take a moment to ponder how long I will continue to search for something that I may not find? 

I had once been maddeningly in love with a man who I had only spent 13 days with over two years ago.  I had the opportunity to face the hurt from this fleeting romance only to discover that he was only a fantasy I had spun. It was apparent that I was only in love with the fantasy of a life with this man; a life that was based on fantasy and delusion. 

I had to find out for myself if what I felt before was real and unfortunately, it was not.  I needed closure so that I could move forward with my life; for I had been in a holding pattern until this May. 

I have come to the conclusion that I need to focus on MY life instead of jumping into the whirlpool of chaos that belongs to others.  I have been constantly distracted away from my own existence and my personal goals. 

Deep down, I think I was punishing myself for all the mistakes I made in the past and recently, I have played the martyr, sacrificing myself for the benefit of others.  Where will this lead I wonder?  Will I fill justified at my sacrifice?  Does this prove that I am a worthy partner and surrogate mother?  Will I feel better about myself as a result?  Only time will tell but how long will it take to manifest for me?

Life's Little Ironies

Here's one for ya...............I know this man who has been in an abusive marriage for over 16 years and is now trying to divorce from his perpetrator yet, the courts are obliged to cater to her since she is mentally disabled.  Not only does she get free representation but she also has counsel from the local woman's shelter advocate.  I have seen the extent on the loopholes and strategies employed by people who know how to skirt the laws in order to get the results they are seeking.  Call me stupid, call me naïve, call me a girlscout, but I believe in fairness and honesty, yet if anyone wants to get ahead in life, you must employ all the dirty, low-down, sneaky, underhanded, conniving, manipulating and illegal means in order to get what you are seeking.  The laws were set up for failure.  There is just perceived control.
 For some reason, I keep putting on my rose-colored glasses.  Maybe I just don't want to see the "real world."  Maybe I just want to stay in my own bubble and push out all intruders who threaten to pop it. 
I've been living an emotional rollercoaster for the past two years but I bought that ticket myself!  I was clueless as to how long this ride was going to be and it has proven quite expensive emotionally, mentally and physically and eternal.
I chose this and I am a woman of my word even if it is to my detriment so life's little ironies continue to arise like the stench from a gut wagon.