Numbness

I hate the feeling that I'm being played.  I also despise being lied to especially by someone who claims to love me.  It's that subversive vibe like when you walk into a room and you can just sense that you were the topic of discussion. I find myself disappointed more times than I care to.  I feel isolated from my fellow human beings in this! 
I am probably better off living a life of hermitage than to find myself living amongst the general population. 
It seems that no matter where I am or who I am with or what my circumstances are; life will continue to be lack luster.  I feel that something is always eluding me; something I search for in vain.  I am constantly left feeling that I am missing something.  I take a moment to ponder how long I will continue to search for something that I may not find? 

I had once been maddeningly in love with a man who I had only spent 13 days with over two years ago.  I had the opportunity to face the hurt from this fleeting romance only to discover that he was only a fantasy I had spun. It was apparent that I was only in love with the fantasy of a life with this man; a life that was based on fantasy and delusion. 

I had to find out for myself if what I felt before was real and unfortunately, it was not.  I needed closure so that I could move forward with my life; for I had been in a holding pattern until this May. 

I have come to the conclusion that I need to focus on MY life instead of jumping into the whirlpool of chaos that belongs to others.  I have been constantly distracted away from my own existence and my personal goals. 

Deep down, I think I was punishing myself for all the mistakes I made in the past and recently, I have played the martyr, sacrificing myself for the benefit of others.  Where will this lead I wonder?  Will I fill justified at my sacrifice?  Does this prove that I am a worthy partner and surrogate mother?  Will I feel better about myself as a result?  Only time will tell but how long will it take to manifest for me?