I hate the feeling that I'm being played. I also despise being lied to especially by someone who claims to love me. It's that subversive vibe like when you walk into a room and you can just sense that you were the topic of discussion. I find myself disappointed more times than I care to. I feel isolated from my fellow human beings in this!
I am probably better off living a life of hermitage than to find myself living amongst the general population.
It seems that no matter where I am or who I am with or what my circumstances are; life will continue to be lack luster. I feel that something is always eluding me; something I search for in vain. I am constantly left feeling that I am missing something. I take a moment to ponder how long I will continue to search for something that I may not find?
I had once been maddeningly in love with a man who I had only spent 13 days with over two years ago. I had the opportunity to face the hurt from this fleeting romance only to discover that he was only a fantasy I had spun. It was apparent that I was only in love with the fantasy of a life with this man; a life that was based on fantasy and delusion.
I had to find out for myself if what I felt before was real and unfortunately, it was not. I needed closure so that I could move forward with my life; for I had been in a holding pattern until this May.
I have come to the conclusion that I need to focus on MY life instead of jumping into the whirlpool of chaos that belongs to others. I have been constantly distracted away from my own existence and my personal goals.
Deep down, I think I was punishing myself for all the mistakes I made in the past and recently, I have played the martyr, sacrificing myself for the benefit of others. Where will this lead I wonder? Will I fill justified at my sacrifice? Does this prove that I am a worthy partner and surrogate mother? Will I feel better about myself as a result? Only time will tell but how long will it take to manifest for me?
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Life's Little Ironies
Here's one for ya...............I know this man who has been in an abusive marriage for over 16 years and is now trying to divorce from his perpetrator yet, the courts are obliged to cater to her since she is mentally disabled. Not only does she get free representation but she also has counsel from the local woman's shelter advocate. I have seen the extent on the loopholes and strategies employed by people who know how to skirt the laws in order to get the results they are seeking. Call me stupid, call me naïve, call me a girlscout, but I believe in fairness and honesty, yet if anyone wants to get ahead in life, you must employ all the dirty, low-down, sneaky, underhanded, conniving, manipulating and illegal means in order to get what you are seeking. The laws were set up for failure. There is just perceived control.
For some reason, I keep putting on my rose-colored glasses. Maybe I just don't want to see the "real world." Maybe I just want to stay in my own bubble and push out all intruders who threaten to pop it.
I've been living an emotional rollercoaster for the past two years but I bought that ticket myself! I was clueless as to how long this ride was going to be and it has proven quite expensive emotionally, mentally and physically and eternal.
I chose this and I am a woman of my word even if it is to my detriment so life's little ironies continue to arise like the stench from a gut wagon.
For some reason, I keep putting on my rose-colored glasses. Maybe I just don't want to see the "real world." Maybe I just want to stay in my own bubble and push out all intruders who threaten to pop it.
I've been living an emotional rollercoaster for the past two years but I bought that ticket myself! I was clueless as to how long this ride was going to be and it has proven quite expensive emotionally, mentally and physically and eternal.
I chose this and I am a woman of my word even if it is to my detriment so life's little ironies continue to arise like the stench from a gut wagon.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
The Proposition
I went out to a local sports bar with a friend of mine on Sunday evening. He only had a few days left until he left Alaska and went home to Arkansas. I was excited to help him celebrate his last days in The Last Frontier so I got all dressed up and went down to the bar. Initially, I did not see him as I walked through the door so I made my way to the end of the bar and prepared to text him. Something told me to look up and lo, and behold, there he was but he was not sitting by himself. There was a man and a woman sitting at the table with him who I did not recognize. I was introduced to them, Frank and Julie. Frank was short of stature, donned what looked to be like a tam-o-chanter cap, had a diastema between his two upper front teeth, and sported John Lennon look-alike spectacles. Julie was curvy, wore glasses and had some kind of Alaska native heritage. She was from Seward and was living in the local Women's Shelter due to being a victim of domestic violence. I asked her how long she'd been there? Since last June! I asked her where she worked? She is disabled and has a two year contract with the Women's Shelter for housing! Hmmmmm. Disabled, victim of D.V., unemployed yet could afford to buy drinks at the bar?
Anyway, the three of them had already started on their drinks as I ordered my Tangueray and Tonic. Conversations were started or commenced as we all sat back and enjoyed the evening. My friend has some great stories to tell since he's lead an interesting life and he proceeded to relate one. It eventually lead to the subject of tattoos; which he had several of. The other gentleman proceeded to show me one of his tattoos as well. I just happened to inform them both that I was searching for pictures of tattoos and the stories behind them for a picture book I wanted to publish. This spurred my friend to promptly stand up and run outside. While he was gone, the other gentleman asked me what I did for a living. I told him that I managed a local dental office. He then asked me what my yearly earnings were. I told him such and such amount of money. He then stated that I could make $3,000/night working for him. Being curious, I asked him what I'd be doing as his employee? He sat up straight on the barstool, looked me directly in the eye and stated, "I'm a pimp!" Now, I am not a very good liar and my reactions are prompt and pure so when I heard that, I am sure the look on my face was priceless! I graciously declined his "generous" offer and said that I did not need that kind of money nor was I interested in that type of work! He proceeded to reach into his jacket and extract his wallet. He handed me two polaroids showing young naked girls! I glanced at them, handed them back, and stated that they were young and obviously uneducated and maybe this profession worked for them. Being the smart-ass that I am, I tossed out the comment, "Even if that were the case, no man around here could afford me! Besides, I am too old to be a call girl!" He asked me just how old I was. "47!" "Well, this IS Kenai, after all!" I was flabbergasted at his nerve! My friend sat down right in the middle of the last exchange and had a puzzled look on his face as if to say, "What did I miss?" I turned toward him and stated in a clear, distinct, and loud voice, "I DO have high standards!" We all had another round of drinks. My friend and I were perusing pics on his cell and discussing them. I got to see his new lover, his kids, ex-wives, his sportscar and his condo in New York City. I heard about his cancer treatments, his career as a green beret, how he lost the feeling in both his hands and his crazy, gypsy soul. Time flew and soon it was time to leave. My friend went up to the bar to pay his tab. In his short absence, "pimpdaddy" had the balls to ask me for my phone number! "NOOOOOO!" "Well, can I give you mine?" "NOOOOOOOO!" "I just wanna talk to you later tonight!" I gave him "the look" then once again said "NOOOOOOOO! FUCK OFF!" My friend was oblivious to this since his back was to us and when he approached me for a good-bye hug, he felt something and gave me "the look" then asked if I needed a ride home; if I was okay to drive? Since I only live a few blocks away, I told him I would be fine. They both left and I waited a few minutes before I followed. Once home, I received a text from my buddy asking if I'd made it home safely. In my return text, I stated that I would have taken him up on his offer to drive me home but "Captain Pimp" hitching a ride with him! I certainly did not want HIM knowing where I lived! I also told my friend that he was a pasty little weasel and needed to slide back into the slimy hole he crawled out of. I had visions of homicide floating around in my slightly drunken mind so it is a good thing I came home and went to bed!
I keep telling myself that I should not be allowed out of my dungeon and that when I do choose to mingle with my fellow human beings, weird shit happens and I seem to attract that kind of element!
Anyway, the three of them had already started on their drinks as I ordered my Tangueray and Tonic. Conversations were started or commenced as we all sat back and enjoyed the evening. My friend has some great stories to tell since he's lead an interesting life and he proceeded to relate one. It eventually lead to the subject of tattoos; which he had several of. The other gentleman proceeded to show me one of his tattoos as well. I just happened to inform them both that I was searching for pictures of tattoos and the stories behind them for a picture book I wanted to publish. This spurred my friend to promptly stand up and run outside. While he was gone, the other gentleman asked me what I did for a living. I told him that I managed a local dental office. He then asked me what my yearly earnings were. I told him such and such amount of money. He then stated that I could make $3,000/night working for him. Being curious, I asked him what I'd be doing as his employee? He sat up straight on the barstool, looked me directly in the eye and stated, "I'm a pimp!" Now, I am not a very good liar and my reactions are prompt and pure so when I heard that, I am sure the look on my face was priceless! I graciously declined his "generous" offer and said that I did not need that kind of money nor was I interested in that type of work! He proceeded to reach into his jacket and extract his wallet. He handed me two polaroids showing young naked girls! I glanced at them, handed them back, and stated that they were young and obviously uneducated and maybe this profession worked for them. Being the smart-ass that I am, I tossed out the comment, "Even if that were the case, no man around here could afford me! Besides, I am too old to be a call girl!" He asked me just how old I was. "47!" "Well, this IS Kenai, after all!" I was flabbergasted at his nerve! My friend sat down right in the middle of the last exchange and had a puzzled look on his face as if to say, "What did I miss?" I turned toward him and stated in a clear, distinct, and loud voice, "I DO have high standards!" We all had another round of drinks. My friend and I were perusing pics on his cell and discussing them. I got to see his new lover, his kids, ex-wives, his sportscar and his condo in New York City. I heard about his cancer treatments, his career as a green beret, how he lost the feeling in both his hands and his crazy, gypsy soul. Time flew and soon it was time to leave. My friend went up to the bar to pay his tab. In his short absence, "pimpdaddy" had the balls to ask me for my phone number! "NOOOOOO!" "Well, can I give you mine?" "NOOOOOOOO!" "I just wanna talk to you later tonight!" I gave him "the look" then once again said "NOOOOOOOO! FUCK OFF!" My friend was oblivious to this since his back was to us and when he approached me for a good-bye hug, he felt something and gave me "the look" then asked if I needed a ride home; if I was okay to drive? Since I only live a few blocks away, I told him I would be fine. They both left and I waited a few minutes before I followed. Once home, I received a text from my buddy asking if I'd made it home safely. In my return text, I stated that I would have taken him up on his offer to drive me home but "Captain Pimp" hitching a ride with him! I certainly did not want HIM knowing where I lived! I also told my friend that he was a pasty little weasel and needed to slide back into the slimy hole he crawled out of. I had visions of homicide floating around in my slightly drunken mind so it is a good thing I came home and went to bed!
I keep telling myself that I should not be allowed out of my dungeon and that when I do choose to mingle with my fellow human beings, weird shit happens and I seem to attract that kind of element!
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Bedroom Roulette
I've lived in Alaska for 20 years now and have noticed a strange social norm. I was oblivious to it prior to my divorce but since then it has been clear as glass. There is a popular saying up here; "You don't get married, you just wait your turn." I could never quite grasp the meaning of this until this summer.
Since I have been up here for quite some time now, and since I interact with the public often, I just happen to know alot of local people and their personal circumstances. I've heard stories of couples who are friends divorcing and marrying each other's ex-spouses and thought that was ridiculous! It sounded so far removed from reality that I would dismiss these stories as fiction with a skepical shake of my head.
It became a reality when a two couples that I am familiar with decided to play bedroom roulette this Spring.
Both couples had divorced and one man hooked up with the other's ex-wife while the other man hooked up with an old girlfriend of the first man! It can get very confusing if you cannot follow the sequence of events. It seems that alot of people in Alaska are "serial monogamists" just waiting for the next partner to fall into their circle of love/relationship addiction.
I certainly do not see the logic in this whatsoever! I am confused and befuddled to say the least. I guess the men in Alaska have come to expect this societal norm and seem okay with the status quo? Maybe they see women as so scarce that they will settle for whomever they can get for any length of time and be satisfied with that? Makes me wonder if I should follow suit with my seasoned sisters and enter the game of bedroom roulette. Sure beats being alone and lonely! My dilemma: Do I join so I can be with someone or do I stay in my ivory tower and watch from above; longing for what they have temporarily?
Since I have been up here for quite some time now, and since I interact with the public often, I just happen to know alot of local people and their personal circumstances. I've heard stories of couples who are friends divorcing and marrying each other's ex-spouses and thought that was ridiculous! It sounded so far removed from reality that I would dismiss these stories as fiction with a skepical shake of my head.
It became a reality when a two couples that I am familiar with decided to play bedroom roulette this Spring.
Both couples had divorced and one man hooked up with the other's ex-wife while the other man hooked up with an old girlfriend of the first man! It can get very confusing if you cannot follow the sequence of events. It seems that alot of people in Alaska are "serial monogamists" just waiting for the next partner to fall into their circle of love/relationship addiction.
I certainly do not see the logic in this whatsoever! I am confused and befuddled to say the least. I guess the men in Alaska have come to expect this societal norm and seem okay with the status quo? Maybe they see women as so scarce that they will settle for whomever they can get for any length of time and be satisfied with that? Makes me wonder if I should follow suit with my seasoned sisters and enter the game of bedroom roulette. Sure beats being alone and lonely! My dilemma: Do I join so I can be with someone or do I stay in my ivory tower and watch from above; longing for what they have temporarily?
Only in Alaska during Summer
I work in a dental office in downtown Kenai, Alaska. That may not sound like much but it can get lively here during the summer months.
Within the past few weeks we've had a series of events that both shock and surprise our staff and believe me, it takes alot to make us really run to the window and take a gander! We are all Alaskan women and have seen it all, dealt with it all, and certainly have gotten a little jaded as a result.
One afternoon, a patient walked into our clinic and stated that there was a woman lying in the street just down the block from us. Immediately, all the assistants rushed to the back window to verify the truth of the matter. I was sitting at my desk ignoring the situation (see the above reference for Alaskan women). My coworkers were excitedly announcing the blow-by-blow action. I could tell the situation had escalated rapidly when one of my coworkers yelled, "Call 911 NOW!" Of course, I was on the phone before she finished "911." I was speaking with the dispatcher and repeating what was being observed. Before I ended my call with the dispatcher, there were four patrol cars on the scene. Apparently, the parties involved were trying to reconcile when the officers decided to take her to jail for domestic violence.
According to my coworkers, she was using the man as if he were the heavy bag in the boxing gym! He just stood there and took the fist pounding she was meting out! She drove her point home with a final kick between his legs. Low blow but very effective!
As she was being helped into the squad car, she adjusted her neon pink baseball cap and stepped very lady-like into the back seat. The man was instructed to leave but seemed reluctant to do so. His ladylove was being hauled away to the clink and he wanted to go along. Separation anxiety, love/hate thing, absence makes the heart grow fonder seemed to be the theme and it came into play as quickly as the breeze. Alcohol definitely was a factor!
Later in the same week, one of my coworkers came into work for her shift and announced that there was a half-naked man wandering down the street! She said he was wearing a bright green sweatshirt and no pants! Of course, all the ladies zoomed to get a glimpse from the security of the back window. Needless to say, the so-called half-naked and certainly half-baked individual had disappeared into the treeline or at least into the apartments across the street. That defines an Alaskan Streaker!
Later that afternoon, our streaker was seen pushing his bicycle from the apartments across the street, sporting trousers and what appeared to be shoes? Upon further inspection, the "shoes" were actually mittens! We all watched incredulously as he gingerly pedalled away, fully clothed and shod, down the street and out of our neck of the woods!
Last, but not least, we got the scare of our lives here at the clinic. It was a hot day; almost 70 degrees outside so we had all the doors and windows open to ventilate and cool the building. The fresh air was welcome and the gentle cross breeze was refreshing. It made it okay to be inside working and gave a glimpse of how wonderful the day was.
I was sitting at my desk working peacefully when there was what sounded like a round of rapid gunfire coming from behind the building! I ducked behind my desk and one of my doctors had rushed up the stairs and closed the back door. I saw smoke wafting on the breeze from behind the door. When I felt it was safe to look, I opened the backdoor and cautiously peered outside.
Apparently, someone beyond the fence had accidentally or purposefully lit off a set of firecrackers within the city limits! Highly illegal and it really sounded like a machine gun! Everyone was curious but I explained the incident and we got to go on with the day with peace of mind.
Only in small town Alaska!
Within the past few weeks we've had a series of events that both shock and surprise our staff and believe me, it takes alot to make us really run to the window and take a gander! We are all Alaskan women and have seen it all, dealt with it all, and certainly have gotten a little jaded as a result.
One afternoon, a patient walked into our clinic and stated that there was a woman lying in the street just down the block from us. Immediately, all the assistants rushed to the back window to verify the truth of the matter. I was sitting at my desk ignoring the situation (see the above reference for Alaskan women). My coworkers were excitedly announcing the blow-by-blow action. I could tell the situation had escalated rapidly when one of my coworkers yelled, "Call 911 NOW!" Of course, I was on the phone before she finished "911." I was speaking with the dispatcher and repeating what was being observed. Before I ended my call with the dispatcher, there were four patrol cars on the scene. Apparently, the parties involved were trying to reconcile when the officers decided to take her to jail for domestic violence.
According to my coworkers, she was using the man as if he were the heavy bag in the boxing gym! He just stood there and took the fist pounding she was meting out! She drove her point home with a final kick between his legs. Low blow but very effective!
As she was being helped into the squad car, she adjusted her neon pink baseball cap and stepped very lady-like into the back seat. The man was instructed to leave but seemed reluctant to do so. His ladylove was being hauled away to the clink and he wanted to go along. Separation anxiety, love/hate thing, absence makes the heart grow fonder seemed to be the theme and it came into play as quickly as the breeze. Alcohol definitely was a factor!
Later in the same week, one of my coworkers came into work for her shift and announced that there was a half-naked man wandering down the street! She said he was wearing a bright green sweatshirt and no pants! Of course, all the ladies zoomed to get a glimpse from the security of the back window. Needless to say, the so-called half-naked and certainly half-baked individual had disappeared into the treeline or at least into the apartments across the street. That defines an Alaskan Streaker!
Later that afternoon, our streaker was seen pushing his bicycle from the apartments across the street, sporting trousers and what appeared to be shoes? Upon further inspection, the "shoes" were actually mittens! We all watched incredulously as he gingerly pedalled away, fully clothed and shod, down the street and out of our neck of the woods!
Last, but not least, we got the scare of our lives here at the clinic. It was a hot day; almost 70 degrees outside so we had all the doors and windows open to ventilate and cool the building. The fresh air was welcome and the gentle cross breeze was refreshing. It made it okay to be inside working and gave a glimpse of how wonderful the day was.
I was sitting at my desk working peacefully when there was what sounded like a round of rapid gunfire coming from behind the building! I ducked behind my desk and one of my doctors had rushed up the stairs and closed the back door. I saw smoke wafting on the breeze from behind the door. When I felt it was safe to look, I opened the backdoor and cautiously peered outside.
Apparently, someone beyond the fence had accidentally or purposefully lit off a set of firecrackers within the city limits! Highly illegal and it really sounded like a machine gun! Everyone was curious but I explained the incident and we got to go on with the day with peace of mind.
Only in small town Alaska!
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Why I love my coworkers
I manage a dental office where I live. I get to work with the most wonderful ladies. One in particular has opened my eyes to what unconditional love really means. I've always teased her about being a baby magnet because she sniffs them out if they get within range. Patients will bring in their newborns and within minutes, there Mel is, cooing and touching the infant. All babies respond to her. She is the ultimate nanny/mommy. She's really bested herself with this last random act of kindness.
We all know a young mother who just gave birth to a darling little boy about four months ago. Seems she ran into some trouble with her room mate, who took out a restraining order on her, kicked her and her newborn out of the apartment, and accused her of domestic violence. Now, we all do not know this girl well enough to hypothesize about the accusations but she and her infant are now homeless, living in their car. A few weeks went by and this young mother paid us a visit. She had gotten a new girlfriend and they were both homeless with five children between the two of them. She had mentioned how well her son sleeps at night since he slept right through a fight and a window getting broken! I was shocked but not too surprised at hearing this. Babies have no choice on who they are born to and some women are better mothers than others. Sadly to say, the children are the innocent victims. Clearly, this young girl was not prepared to be a mother. She tangled with a man, got pregnant, decided to have the baby and raise it by herself. Very brave but very naive of her. Obviously, reality did not set in until the State of Alaska is now actively in process of removing her infant from her custody.
This young girl, approached my coworker last week requesting that she temporarily physically take the baby. She did not want to lose her son and was reaching out for help. I believe she has been doing so since she gave birth; knowing that maybe she made a mistake by keeping the baby. Any mother can tell that this young woman loves her son. My coworker gladly offered to help this young woman and agreed to take care of the infant temporarily. One of my male coworkers warned Mel that she was making a mistake by doing so. I believe that things done with good intentions and a warm heart are never wrong. This is admirable and noble of Mel to offer this. Sure, she may run the risk of getting too attached to this child, of giving love and attention to this child, of taking care of this child's needs but this is true, unconditional love. This is a helpless child and she is giving him succor and comfort that his biological mother cannot give right now. She knows full well that his mother could do scandalous and unscrupulous things regarding the situation but her heart is pure and her concern is for the well-being of this little boy.
This is why I love my coworkers. We are all in the healthcare field and we are nurturers. We are the ones who make people feel better through tender, loving care. We are all on the spectrum to various degrees. Even as bristly and stern as I am, I still have a huge capacity for compassion when it comes to human suffering. Unconditional love. I recommend it to everyone. Perform random acts of kindness. It is truly rewarding and soothes the soul.
We all know a young mother who just gave birth to a darling little boy about four months ago. Seems she ran into some trouble with her room mate, who took out a restraining order on her, kicked her and her newborn out of the apartment, and accused her of domestic violence. Now, we all do not know this girl well enough to hypothesize about the accusations but she and her infant are now homeless, living in their car. A few weeks went by and this young mother paid us a visit. She had gotten a new girlfriend and they were both homeless with five children between the two of them. She had mentioned how well her son sleeps at night since he slept right through a fight and a window getting broken! I was shocked but not too surprised at hearing this. Babies have no choice on who they are born to and some women are better mothers than others. Sadly to say, the children are the innocent victims. Clearly, this young girl was not prepared to be a mother. She tangled with a man, got pregnant, decided to have the baby and raise it by herself. Very brave but very naive of her. Obviously, reality did not set in until the State of Alaska is now actively in process of removing her infant from her custody.
This young girl, approached my coworker last week requesting that she temporarily physically take the baby. She did not want to lose her son and was reaching out for help. I believe she has been doing so since she gave birth; knowing that maybe she made a mistake by keeping the baby. Any mother can tell that this young woman loves her son. My coworker gladly offered to help this young woman and agreed to take care of the infant temporarily. One of my male coworkers warned Mel that she was making a mistake by doing so. I believe that things done with good intentions and a warm heart are never wrong. This is admirable and noble of Mel to offer this. Sure, she may run the risk of getting too attached to this child, of giving love and attention to this child, of taking care of this child's needs but this is true, unconditional love. This is a helpless child and she is giving him succor and comfort that his biological mother cannot give right now. She knows full well that his mother could do scandalous and unscrupulous things regarding the situation but her heart is pure and her concern is for the well-being of this little boy.
This is why I love my coworkers. We are all in the healthcare field and we are nurturers. We are the ones who make people feel better through tender, loving care. We are all on the spectrum to various degrees. Even as bristly and stern as I am, I still have a huge capacity for compassion when it comes to human suffering. Unconditional love. I recommend it to everyone. Perform random acts of kindness. It is truly rewarding and soothes the soul.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
The Exchange
Was driving home last night after work and came across this strange sight. A young man was riding a Honda 70 motorcycle and it was obviously too small for him. Only one young man in particular came to mind and as I passed him, I found my hunch was correct. It was my 17 year-old autistic son, Nick. I waved, pulled over, and waited for him to turn around. As he neared my car, I asked him where he was going? He gave me a quizzical look and seriously said, "I don't know." I then asked, "Where have you been?" Again, he responded with, "I don't know." Then he informed me that his RC car parts had not arrived and I assured him I'd check the shipping status tomorrow. He then told me to leave and allowed me to go first. He followed me until I got up to speed. I thoroughly enjoyed the exchange between us. Quite an accomplishment for him!
Just thought I'd share the highlight of my week with you. Gina
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